It feels like so many conversations today are either rushed, reactive, or happening behind a screen. And when we do sit across from someone who sees things differently than we do, it can feel tense before a single word is spoken. This post is an invitation to slow that moment down and rethink what “productive” conversation really means.

What Productive Conversations Really Look Like

First, I want to define what a productive conversation looks like.

A productive conversation can look a lot of different ways.

I’ll give you an example to help you visualize this.

I started using Day Designer brand planners three years ago, and they have totally transformed how I go about my day. Every day is laid out on a single page, with three daily goals listed at the top, an hourly schedule below that, and a checklist of tasks to the right.

The design is simple and intentional. Every day, I aim to check off those top three goals I listed for the day. If I accomplish those three things, that’s my bare-minimum indicator that I achieved productivity in my day.

How To Approach Hard Conversations

We need to look at our conversations the same way. And I’m not talking about “what should we do for dinner” conversations (although those conversations could definitely be more productive).

I’m talking about the conversations where you’re sitting across from someone you know who disagrees with you on a particular topic, and you’re about to engage in some serious back-and-forth.

Here’s the thing: we are only in control of our own thoughts and actions. We have to ask ourselves, what does productivity in this conversation look like for me?

The Only Thing You Can Control in a Difficult Conversation

But I have to pause here to call out one very important thing.

I think our gut response to this can easily be, “It would be super productive if we get to the end of this conversation and I’ve convinced the other person to agree with me.”

Let’s take a moment to consider the alternative.

You heard me say a minute ago that we are only in control of our own thoughts and actions. We are also completely capable of accomplishing the goals we set for ourselves. And when we set productive and SMART goals, we are 10x more likely to accomplish them.

Getting to the end of a conversation and convincing the other person to agree with you might seem like a worthwhile attempt. But the problem with that is that you’re not in control of the other person’s response.

Renita Kalhorn shares three strategies on how to take a conversation that’s started to go off the rails and turn it around.

A Better Goal Than Changing Someone’s Mind

Let’s consider this conversation goal:

“After every point or argument the other person makes, I’m going to listen, pause, and consider before giving an answer.”

I’m going to be slow to speak, slow to become angry, and quick to listen to what the other person has to say. I’m going to acknowledge that this person has a unique story and set of life experiences from which they have derived their thoughts, beliefs, and ideals.

Their thoughts and opinions are no less valuable than my own.

When we set intentions for ourselves that we actually have control over, what’s stopping us from achieving them?

What Happens When People Feel Heard (And When They Don’t)

Because let me tell you what happens when we stop to listen to another person and prioritize listening rather than sharing: we create mutual respect.

The other person starts to pause. Your active listening signals to them that you’re giving them space to share what they think and feel in a non-confrontational environment.

“They care about what I have to say.”

“They respect me.”

And when someone receives respect, they’re more likely to give respect in return.

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling incredibly seen, heard, and valued by the other person?

I have. When I walk away from productive conversations like that, I’m always a little shocked (which is sad, lol).

I remember how it made me feel. I feel lighter. I feel happier. I get a reinforcement that that person is someone of value, substance, and worth.

What about the reverse? When you walk away from a confrontation feeling interrupted, disregarded, or unheard?

For me, that just further solidifies whatever opinion I held that was in opposition to that person. It makes me more indignant, more confrontational, and it removes any residual respect I may have had for them.

I love how Daniel Kestenholz breaks this down into the two attitudes of conversation: confrontational and compassionate.

Why We’re So Focused on Convincing Each Other

So why is it our gut instinct to want to convince other people of what we believe? This isn’t always an inherently bad thing. For years, I preached to my family about why composting and recycling were things they needed to implement in their home.

Every day, parents have to convince their toddlers that kindergarten is actually a good thing—that they’ll make friends and that learning is fun.

And arguably, trying to have productive conversations with a four-year-old is a losing battle, and sometimes you just have to tell them, not convince them.

Between conversations with peers, there are many “good” opinions that we try to convince each other of daily.

The Real Measure of a Productive Conversation

At the end of the day, productive conversations aren’t about winning. They’re about walking away knowing you showed up with integrity, curiosity, and restraint—even when it would’ve been easier to react, interrupt, or retreat.

You don’t have to abandon your beliefs to be respectful. You don’t have to soften your convictions to listen well. And you don’t have to convince someone else for a conversation to be worth having.

Sometimes the most productive outcome is this: you listened fully, you spoke intentionally, and you left the conversation having added more understanding than tension.

If every conversation feels like a scoreboard, we all lose. But if we start treating conversations the way we treat our time, our energy, and our goals—with intention and self-awareness—we give ourselves the chance to create something better than agreement: mutual respect.

And honestly? That’s a win I’ll take every time.